Eighth blog - What I thought I knew about communicating properly

What I thought I knew: In the beginning, I spoke like a child. Not really my line of text, but then, that is the difference, no? Sometime as a child, I learned to keep what was bothering me to myself. I was not allowed to yell or disagree with my mother or other authorities. I really thought she knew it all, and, for sure (granted), she was a genius. (I moved away from the San Fernando Valley before being a "valley girl," with it's dangerously cute speech patterns, was something to be made fun of by TV and movies.) I did not expect to write about my long history of hedging honesty in order to be safe. After all, I speak English and am an American woman; I have the right to ROAR! The roaring was gradually removed from my emotions; I was not allowed to be angry or taught to respond to anger appropriately except to feel fear and the need to escape. Somehow, by never learning how to deal with conflict, not allowing anger or uncomfortable feelings permission, I lost out on some of my self-worth or self-esteem. Maybe, if a part of me was "unworthy", (the anger) or "not good enough" (the fear) then because I could not cope with conflict, taking risks and making bold decisions was and is much harder for me.

Self communication is like a road map with major highways that lead us to things we seem to know such as what we enjoy eating, how we speak, who we communicate with and where we spend time. The side roads, the dirt roads, the untested paths gradually get set aside resulting in better marked main roads. Speaking to other people who know us well continues marking the main roads. Taking risks, talking to new people, trying on new forms of communication is the challenge and a learning process, a process that I deny myself sometimes because I am afraid.

What I have learned: Communicating with myself is the hardest lesson - I mentally cringe when I ask myself to try something new. Creating an attitude with positive intention in my thoughts and then speaking out (roaring) about who I am and what I want to do and how I like things to be is the most important part of my adult life. I will not be who I really am externally unless I speak honestly and also make the effort hear other people speaking. I can't stop listening to people or music because it seems too annoying or deny some art form or event because it seems strange; annoying and strange are risky and learning more about something I start out disliking gives me more information about myself. Listening to what other people speak provides me with valuable information about their perceptions. I am constantly amazed at how other people make decisions in ways that are different (not like mine): this may explain why I became a counselor.

As an adult, I have learned that my communication skills are lacking and at the same time, holding me back from being great. I can do mediocre, but this year, I want to try to be better. Letting someone know that I appreciate them is just as important as letting them know that I am uncomfortable with something. I need to speak up for what I value, against what I find reprehensible. Conflict is inevitable, but it's OK for me to believe in my values and speak them honestly. Actually, I hate learning this; however, those people I know who are honest make the best friends and companions. They don't lie to you; they don't keep the difficult truth from you - they don't hide. I'm tired of hiding and being afraid to speak. Maybe it's the out of whack hormones from menopause, but way to go biology!

I'm a counselor and part of my chosen profession is to help people increase their communication skills. Building skills takes practice, and at first is uncomfortable. I guess that's how I learned to play piano, cello, sew expertly, mow the lawn, bake an apple pie and lower my cholesterol with a lot of fiber intake. Learning something new, even if annoying and strange can take you off the main road and give you options in your life, add to your interior resume and increase your self-esteem. Becoming better at communicating has the rewarding and reinforcing side effect of bringing people closer to each other, even if the message is uncomfortable. Honest communication also gives you the power to step away from the bad decisions you might have made or improve the situation and rise above mediocrity.

I thought I would be writing about cell phones and email. Send me a note or comment and keep the communication between all of us strong.