Fifthteenth Blog - What I thought I knew about conversations

What I thought I knew: I remember being shy when I was growing up. I still feel that way, fearing that no one wants to hear what I have to say. There are some people to whom that will sound like something ridiculous, and you know who you are. You are also the people with whom I hold the best conversations. In grade school, the conversations I had were with my sister, with my neighbors and sometimes with kids I met at school. I had lots of fun with my friend Elise in first grade, but I don't remember her being in class after that. I must have talked to the girls who lived close by on my street. We made plans for our clubhouse that was in my backyard, made up plays we forced whatever mother was around to view and we decided what we would do together, such as riding bikes, playing tag, handball or making up secret codes that our parents would not know. Those conversations were immediate and did not reflect anything very dramatic until junior high school.

In junior high, we started to talk about clothes. We talked about our classes and how the health teachers all smoked - irony that I recognized. We talked about our bodies moving from girls to women and the size of our boobs. We talked about books we read and what kind of pantyhose to buy. In truth, I don't remember those conversations. They were still somewhat simple, but I remember them seeming more important. Maybe that was the point of having secret codes as a child - to make our lives seem as important as was a grown-up's life. As for my sister, actually, I wasn't friends with my sister until much later. She was a year and a half behind me in age, which seemed like decades when I was a child. And I didn't talk to boys: what I remember was listening to boys talk - they had some mysterious status and I hoped to be noticed by them.

After moving to Utah in the 9th grade, I probably talked more to my mother and my sister. Conversations with my parents were mostly task oriented and I have carried this unfortunate trait into my parenting. In the 10th grade, I had a boyfriend from my school, and we had long conversations on the phone - including the one after he broke up with me that involved a lot of swearing on my part.  Some time in high school, I started to have girlfriends (a locker mate and a friend from a church youth group) and we had conversations about sex, boys, cars, going to college, where to get milkshakes, sewing, church youth group outings, and people we knew at school. I have no idea what I talked about with my boyfriend when I was in the 12th grade, but I know that some of those conversations were like soppy love letters. We may have talked about what to do on Friday night - leading to soppy stuff.

In college, I talked to my roommate, my friend from high school, and my eventual husband. I had conversations with orchestra members and fellow music students. After getting married, I talked to my husband and to our friends. We talked about what to do on Friday night, what to eat and where to eat. I talked to my co-workers about my life, sometimes more honestly than with my husband. After all, the person you are significantly attached to has the most influence and you hear their opinions more than anyone's. Sometime while married, I began to feel like any opinion I had or thing I wanted to do was not good enough, that I was not worth taking seriously and I never insisted that my thoughts were just as good as whatever anyone else had to say. After getting divorced, I could see that I had lost any assertive quality's I had and I felt bad about myself. Oddly enough, I had no trouble talking to men at the Dutch Goose. Well, liquor is such a miracle!

What I know now:  My children are in their 20's, my age is 53 and I still feel isolated with nothing to say sometimes. Although many of my conversations with my children remain task oriented, we also have fun together and talk about relationships (boy - those are task oriented too!) what we want out of life, clothing, cooking and lifestyle philosophies. I talk to my boyfriend about what we are watching, the kids, recreation, our experience with spirituality, shopping, skiing, enjoying food and the state of the world (well, actually I try to participate in that one - but it's difficult for me.) I can talk to my relatives, especially my sister, and I would talk to my brother, but he lives far away and sleeps in. I should call him more often. I have enjoyed conversations with old friends recently and with old friends of my parents. We have history together, which makes two-sided conversations more fun. I recall in my 20s wanting to do more with my friends so we would have more experiences to talk about. I sometimes feel impatient when talking becomes about the same thing we did 10 years ago.

Maybe all conversations are task oriented. We communicate because we need or want something, even if it is just the companionship of another person. I just want to be able to shoot the shit with my friends and not just be the one who listens. I have observed people talking to me for a living and observed my significant others and girlfriends talking at and to me for years. Because I try to help people with relationships, I have taken the next step in my personal conversations to include myself. This does not mean I have to be interested in the topic someone presents, just that I need to find out where or why they are interested in a topic, and as Woody Allen would say, "may I just interject something here," speak of my experiences. After all, if other people have significant lives, important enough to share with me, why aren't my insights and thoughts also important enough to share?

I just want someone to listen to me and be interested. I'm here too. This blog is a safe place for me to explore my views; I'd like to hear your comments. Talking to someone gives me perspective on my life and my choices. I need that help.