Twelth Blog - What I thought I knew about friendship

What I thought I knew - What follows is somewhat historical in nature. I supposed when I was growing up that everyone had the kind of family relationship I experienced. I had two parents, and although both of them worked, my mother was home in the afternoons and throughout the summer. She was a teacher, and at one point, I got a ride with her to my junior high school. My father was a Lutheran Pastor, and he was home almost every night. We all went to church every Sunday, my father leaving early for the first service and the rest of us arriving at church in time for Sunday school. I had friends from school, friends from church and the friends in my neighborhood. Until I reached the 7th grade, these friendships seemed mostly effortless, even though I was never an early pick for a team sport, like kickball or dodge-ball at grade school.

My best friends in grade school were the neighbors. There were originally two girls my age, Penny and Betsy, later Ruth, and Nathan. Penny, Betsy, Ruth, Nathan and I were all the oldest children in our families. When all of us were outside, there were about 20 kids to play Kick the Can, Capture the Flag, Three Flys Up and Red Rover. We spent the summer days outside and the school evenings outside. I don't remember feeling awkward about being friends with any of them. When I entered Junior high, Ruth was my best friend, but that did not last in the chaos of so many new people to meet. At this point, my social life began to center around the church youth group, where there were several somewhat older boys who were handsome and funny and I longed to be noticed by them.

Junior high was where what you wore and who you knew became more important. In those days, we were not allowed to wear tank tops or see-through clothing, although the skirts were pretty short and hot-pants were, for a short time, wildly acceptable. I got my first pair of Levis; girls were finally allowed to wear pants to school when I was in the 7th grade. Although I was feeling confidant about my position with several friends, I was not one of the popular people. I don't recall making any great friends from junior high, but I looked forward to attending church and seeing all my friends there. When I was in the 9th grade, my parents moved from the San Fernando Valley in California to Salt Lake City, Utah. I was stunned by the move; I did not have the right clothing and I knew nobody. I attended Wasatch Junior High ("Hey you Wasatch Warriors..."), the school where my mother taught 8th grade English.

Salt Lake City was different. I had to get a jacket and warmer clothing. I had to take a Sewing Home Economics class because of the difference in semesters and school credits even though I already knew how to sew! I had gotten used to wearing Levi 501 shrink-to-fit pants in California, but no one in Salt Lake City wore those; I think the jeans worn there were Sailor pants. A girl from my church, Kim, made friends with me and invited me to her house. She was in my confirmation class at church. She is responsible for my first alcoholic beverage, a beer while hanging out at a park with friends. She also took me to the "stomp" dance at Skyline High when I was in the 10th grade, introducing me to her friends, "The Who," and smoking pot all in the same night. I wonder where she is and where her life took her.

In Salt Lake, I also had friends at church from confirmation class and the youth group. My dad always took the graduating confirmation class camping, and that was fun. The youth group also mingled with other church youth groups for events in town, camping and socializing. I met Becky at those events, and she is still a close friend, although living in Tacoma now. I dated a guy I met at one of those events named Rex, but he blew me off one day after school, breaking up with me in the parking lot by not letting me get into the car for the usual ride home. In the 11th grade, I began dating a guy from my church. We would make out in his car (he had a hot Duster that he later traded for a Charger or something like that...), go skiing and go to movies. He was fun, but not long term for me. In high school, I became close friends with Jill, my locker mate. We once went fabric shopping and both got the same shirt fabric, which we inevitably wore on the same day to school. I never knew what happened to Jill, as she moved to Washington to follow her boyfriend towards the end of high school. I also remember Chris, who dropped out and disappeared to have a baby. Actually, I hated high school.

After my junior year, I started dating a recent graduate, Jeff. Unfortunately for me, he lived a long ways away from me and could not always count on his car, (a '60s Comet). I began hanging out more with Becky, who was headed to the same college as I, Pacific Lutheran University. I thought we could be roommates, but dorms assign people differently. I was very homesick when I left for college; back when there were no cell phones, you had to write letters to keep in contact with boyfriends and parents. My roommate Beth brought me a matching bedspread, hailed from central California, and was soon a great friend. She is a free spirit living a responsible life and still lives in central California with her husband Doug, whom she met at PLU. I also met my husband, Neal, at PLU, and we took vacations with Beth and Doug, even cooking our first Thanksgiving turkey dinner together. 

Our best friends after we were married and living in San Bruno were Jim and Kathy. We played Hearts with them every week, Jim and I cheating outrageously. I have no idea what they are doing now, but I miss those games. Eventually, Neal and I moved to Seattle, living with our renter, Karl (also from PLU). That was weird, and I don't recommend living with friends like that. Be sure you have good boundaries if you want to remain friends. Our friends in Seattle were mostly from work. Neal began working for Hewlett Packard and I worked for a time at Leasametric, then at Seattle University for their Computer Systems department. Mostly, I remember visiting with Theresa and Rob, Geir, and other friends from PLU. There were many great dinners consumed during that time. Geir was always getting tickets for the hottest band in town and bringing berries and ice cream to our home. After we put in a hot tub, this was more frequent. He used the hot tub even when we didn't want to, bringing his current girlfriend with him.

When Neal worked for HP in Lake Stevens, we met Bill; he later followed us to Boise. He taught me how to troll in a slow boat in Lake Stevens, where I got the largest fish I've ever caught, some kind of trout/salmon? I have pictures. He lived in a house with almost no heat, and I hated visiting him there. Bachelors don't clean their bathrooms. Once, when he was showing slides of his trip to Ireland, Neal and I schemed to find a way to annoy him and I sewed all his shirts together at the buttons. Later, he retaliated by "forking" (putting hundreds of plastic forks) into our lawn. We also spent time with Becky in Tacoma and went swimming and ate lots of nachos with Pat and Jill. Good times when we were all thin.

Weddings of friends I have attended:  Jim and Kathy, Beth and Doug, Pat and Jill, Geir and Kari, Becky and Gary, Kathy (my sister) and Bo, then later Kathy (my sister) and Jim, Tof (my brother) and Margaret. I regret that I did not even know about the weddings of Mark and David (not to each other)...I would like to have attended! 

In 1987, we moved to Boise, to pursue a job with Hewlett Packard and hang out with my sister Kathy and her then husband, Bo. We started the camping in Featherville and learned to love the high desert. Initially, we hung out mostly with Kathy and Bo, but the neighborhood where we purchased a house on a cul-de-sac was full of people our age. Summer daiquiris from home canned peaches, camping together at Ponderosa, barbecues in the front yards, giving Popsicles to all the kids and having the occasional kegger party was the design of the neighborhood. Unfortunately, most of us got divorced and I don't see any of them anymore, just sometimes their grown children. It's too bad, because Jayne used to make me toffee on my birthday. Actually, I get chocolates for special occasions now from my best friend!

What I know now - I am still friends with most of the people dating back to late high school, and by this, I  mean Becky and Beth. We exchange Christmas cards at the least and visits between here and there every once in a while. After my divorce, I began attending Graduate School and hanging out at the Dutch Goose, where I met John while dancing there. John introduced me to rafting rivers, dirt biking and eating well. He is a tremendous cook and we understand each others jokes. He supports me and insists that I be my own person. While in school, I met about 14 people whom I got to know pretty well. I share an office and lunch every other week with Lib, a fellow student and now a colleague. She got me my first full time counseling related job and offered her house for my oldest daughter's dressing room when she got married last year. She keeps me sane about counseling issues and has more condiments in her refrigerator than most specialty food stores. 

My other best friend is my sister Kathy. She thankfully lives in Boise now (not Mountain Home) and is always available to go shopping or sewing with me. Kathy is the most generous person I know, volunteering her time to complete taxes for free and watching my children while I was in school. Her two children have grown up with my children and they are now good friends. I find that my children are also my friends too, some of the time. A few years ago, I joined a woman's networking group that meets every Thursday for breakfast. The food is not so good, but the women are tremendous and have helped me start my business and kept me company at coffee shops. I needed some friends and support, and these women are all people I can talk to about whatever; they share their lives with me.

Friendship is a lot easier to start than I thought when I was a child. There are no restrictions like I believed. I can talk to anyone, and find something we have in common. I learned to greet anyone by watching John talk to everyone he meets anywhere. When we visited Arkansas a few years ago, I realized that John's friendly socializing is part of a southern tradition. Everyone in Arkansas started up conversations with us as though it were the most natural thing to do, which it can be if you practice being friendly and are interested. The most interesting thing I have learned in the past few years is that friendships and relationships and potential relationships are more important than anything else in my life. I know this, because people are more interesting than anything else in my life. Even quilting, my favorite hobby, can be done in a group setting with my sister and my daughter and her friends. If you are a friend to me and reading this blog, make a comment or send me a letter. I still need you.